You Might be a United Methodist if…

You Might be a United Methodist if…

.. you don’t take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed… you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device

… The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper

… you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh

… you’ve ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts

… you sit while singing “Stand up, stand up for Jesus”

… you’ve ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn

… tithing is encouraged but widely ignored

… half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns

… the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine

… you realize pluralism isn’t a communicable disease

… your pastor has a hyphenated last name

… names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar

… you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament

… the only church camp song you know by heart is “Kum ba yah”

… you’ve ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it

… you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley’s Chapel in London

… your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint

… you’ve never heard a sermon on Hell and don’t feel you’re missing out

… you realize that VBS isn’t a sexually transmitted disease

… your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way

… there’s at least one person in every church meeting who says, “But we’ve never done it that way before”

… your congregation’s Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men

… you accept the fact that the hymn “O, for a thousand tongues to sing” has almost as many stanzas as tongues

… you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn’t a trick football play involving four lateral passes

… you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave

… you understand that an “appointment” has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date

… you think “UMW” stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers

… you know the difference between a “diagonal” minister and a “Diaconal” minister

… “Good morning” has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service

… you say “trespasses” instead of “debts” in the Lord’s Prayer and have no idea why

… your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads

… you’d rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee

… you’ve ever sipped Welch’s grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion

… you’re asked to donate money to a “special offering” every other Sunday

… you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel

… you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary

… when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn

 

 

 

No related posts.