Catholic Dictionary
                           

Act of Contrition
A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don’t cramp up in the
confessional.

Act of God
1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn’t cover.
2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.

Act of Faith
An action that shows a person’s belief that an event will occur, such as
when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date.

Acts of the Apostles
1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check
    arrived for the Last Supper.
2. Christ’s touring company (they knocked ‘em dead in Samaria,
    Thessalonica, Damascus, etc.)

Advent
A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and
cash registers ringing.

Advent Wreath
A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.

Agnostic
1. An atheist who is hedging his bets.
2. Someone who isn’t sure there is a God, but who is sure he
    doesn’t want to go to Mass every Sunday.

All Saints Day (November 1st)
A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked Halloween
candy to your little brother.

All Soul’ Day (November 2nd)
The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.

Alpha and Omega
The fraternity that Christ belonged to.

Amen
The only part of a prayer everyone knows.

Annulment
1. Divorce, Catholic style.
2. A decree that a marriage never existed; like the dream sequence
    on “Dallas”.

Apocalypse
An important event that you probably can’t find a Hallmark card for.

Apostasy
The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another, such as
switching from Leno to Letterman.

Arc of the Covenant
The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain.

Armageddon
The last day you can redeem your green stamps.

Ascension of Christ
Jesus’ rising into heaven forty days after Easter (an indication of how
tough it is to get a table up there).

Asceticism
Living a pure, virtuous life…and then dying of boredom.

Beatification
1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from
    having a parochial school named after him.
2. The step in the canonization process when a persons’ head is
    fitted for a halo.

Beatitudes
1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque.
2. Second rate attitudes.

Benediction
The start of the race to the parking lot.

Bethlehem
Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.

Bingo
1. How Catholics tithe.
2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old
    ladies off the street.

Bishop
Old man in the see.

Blessed Virgin
The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with.

Blessing
A prayer preceding an event that grants God’s grace and releases Him from
any liability.

Blind Faith
A redundant expression.

Body of Christ
Amen…oops, sorry. Habit I guess.

Bulletin
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

Burning bush
What the Israelites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he
spoke with God.

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