Archive for Bible humor
LIFE LESSONS I’VE LEARNED FROM NOAH
Posted by: | CommentsLIFE LESSONS I’VE LEARNED FROM NOAH
1. Don’t miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old someone may ask you to do something
really big.
5. Don’t listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be
done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety’s sake travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn’t everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you’re stressed, float awhile.
10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
11. If you can’t fight or flee — float.
12. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
13. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain –
grab
a shovel.
14. Stay below deck during the storm.
15. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the
storm outside.
17. When you’re stressed, float a while.
18. No matter the storm, when you are with God there’s always a rainbow
waiting.
The Apostle Paul
Posted by: | CommentsA perfect minister is hard to find…One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He’d watched the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after applicant for some fault, alleged or otherwise. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up and read a letter purporting to be from another applicant. “Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also have had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.
“I’m over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
“My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I baptized.
“However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you.”
The board member looked over at the committee. “Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?”
The good church folk were aghast. Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absentminded, ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who has such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he answered, “It’s signed, ‘the Apostle Paul.’ “
The Lesson
Posted by: | CommentsThe Lesson
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying,
- Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
- Blessed are the meek…
- Blessed are they who mourn…
- Blessed are the merciful…
- Blessed are they who thirst for justice…
- Blessed are you when persecuted…
- Blessed are you when you suffer…
- Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven…
Then Simon Peter said, ‘Do we have to write this down?’
And Andrew said, ‘Are we supposed to know this?’
And James said, ‘Will we have a test on it?’
And Philip said, ‘What if we don’t know it?’
And Bartholomew said, ‘Do we have to turn this in?’
And John said, ‘The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.’
And Matthew said, ‘When do we get out of here?’
And Judas said, ‘What does this have to do with real life?’
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept…
Noah’s Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On Time
Posted by: | CommentsNoah’s Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On Time
And the Lord said unto Noah: ‘Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?’
And Noah said unto the Lord, ‘Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down—yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O’Lord?’
And God said unto Noah: ‘I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.’
And Noah said: ‘It will be so.’ And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: ‘What seemeth to be the trouble this time?’
And Noah said unto the Lord: ‘Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone. ‘
And the Lord grew angry and said: ‘And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?’
And Noah said: ‘They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday.
And the Lord said: ‘How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?’
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: ‘Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.’
And the Lord in his wisdom said: ‘Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?’
And the Lord grew angry.