Archive for Catholic
Catholic Dictionary
Posted by: | CommentsCatholic Dictionary
Act of Contrition
A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don’t cramp up in the
confessional.
Act of God
1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn’t cover.
2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.
Act of Faith
An action that shows a person’s belief that an event will occur, such as
when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date.
Acts of the Apostles
1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check
arrived for the Last Supper.
2. Christ’s touring company (they knocked ‘em dead in Samaria,
Thessalonica, Damascus, etc.)
Advent
A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and
cash registers ringing.
Advent Wreath
A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.
Agnostic
1. An atheist who is hedging his bets.
2. Someone who isn’t sure there is a God, but who is sure he
doesn’t want to go to Mass every Sunday.
All Saints Day (November 1st)
A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked Halloween
candy to your little brother.
All Soul’ Day (November 2nd)
The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.
Alpha and Omega
The fraternity that Christ belonged to.
Amen
The only part of a prayer everyone knows.
Annulment
1. Divorce, Catholic style.
2. A decree that a marriage never existed; like the dream sequence
on “Dallas”.
Apocalypse
An important event that you probably can’t find a Hallmark card for.
Apostasy
The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another, such as
switching from Leno to Letterman.
Arc of the Covenant
The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain.
Armageddon
The last day you can redeem your green stamps.
Ascension of Christ
Jesus’ rising into heaven forty days after Easter (an indication of how
tough it is to get a table up there).
Asceticism
Living a pure, virtuous life…and then dying of boredom.
Beatification
1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from
having a parochial school named after him.
2. The step in the canonization process when a persons’ head is
fitted for a halo.
Beatitudes
1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque.
2. Second rate attitudes.
Benediction
The start of the race to the parking lot.
Bethlehem
Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.
Bingo
1. How Catholics tithe.
2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old
ladies off the street.
Bishop
Old man in the see.
Blessed Virgin
The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with.
Blessing
A prayer preceding an event that grants God’s grace and releases Him from
any liability.
Blind Faith
A redundant expression.
Body of Christ
Amen…oops, sorry. Habit I guess.
Bulletin
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
Burning bush
What the Israelites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he
spoke with God.
CONFESS Program
Posted by: | CommentsCONFESS Program
Recent Vatican interest in the effect upon laymen of the shortage of Professional Priests ( PP) and the decreased seminary enrollment of Potential Priests ( P’P) has led to the development of Computerized Operations [Non-retrievable] for Expediting Sinner Services [ CONFESS]. The program provides a viable alternative to traditional confessional procedures and techniques by listing penitential requirements (by sin) on a private printout to penitents, such that the printed penances are appropriate to the sin(s) committed. Consequently, the frequent problem whereby the penitent, often under extreme emotional duress, forgets either the sin or the subsequent penance is eliminated.
In addition, the program provides a probability estimate of the consequences of not completing the penances associated with various categories of sin; e.g., the number of years in purgatory. Full freedom of choice is thereby completely within the purview of the penitent/ user ( PU) rather than the confessor. The program requires no PP involvement or activity, thereby freeing PPs to engage in more pressing or productive activities. It is hoped that by providing PPs with more time for critical theological activities, P’Ps will consider the priesthood a more socially conscious and relevant profession, causing an increase of P’P enrollment in accredited seminaries.
Program Descriptor:
CONFESS is available in three natural interactive languages: COURSEWRITER III, BASIC and TUTOR, and can be programmed for most other natural languages such as interactive FORTRAN. The program has been developed utilizing online computer terminals linked to an IBM 360/F30 for data input, but could be modified to operate in batch mode on almost any third-generation configuration, including micros, given the willingness to sacrifice instantaneous feedback.
The computing procedures for CONFESS are as follows: The ‘present sins input’ ( PSI) yields the ‘graduated penitential accrual’ ( GPA) as a function of ‘present sins’ ( PS plus ‘frequency of confession visits’ ( FCV) times ‘completed penances’ ( CP) divided by ‘recurrent/recidivist sins (1)’ ( RS). Hence, GPA is a function not only of the immediate sins reported but also a partial function of the reciprocal relationship of recurrent/recidivist sins to completed penances by frequency of confession visits. The relative penance is then increased by the inclusion of recurrent/recidivist sins. Mathematically, this can be represented as follows:
PSI->GPA=F{PS+FCV/(CP/RS)}
Ergo, each present sin ( PS) yields a specific GPA that is stored until all GPAs have been computed. At that time, punishment and its maximum likelihood of re-occurrence (2) should the GPA not be completed, are retrieved from core storage and printed out for the individuated GPA prescription.
Validity And Reliability:
A study to establish the validity of the CONFESS program was conducted. The procedure included an actuarial sample of 243 actual confessions, stratified across low, medium and high socio- economic income brackets with non-significant differences in proportions of black, white and Spanish-speaking PUs. Fourteen priests were used in the study from seven different cities.
The actual sins confessed and penances prescribed in the confessional booths were tape recorded *without* the knowledge of either penitent or confessor, to insure absolute authenticity and integrity of the confessor/penitent relationship (3). The tapes were further analyzed and penances were rated on a scale of 1-10 where 10 = maximum severity (4). Then ratings were made by the Seven Cardinal Evaluators identified by Stake (AERA, 1972). The interrater reliability was established as .949.
The 243 sin sets taken from the taped confessions were then entered into the CONFESS program via remote terminal. A Pearson Product Moment Correlation was computed between the actual PP penance prescriptions and the CONFESS GPAs. A correlation of .971 was interpreted to provide sufficient concurrent validity for CONFESS confidence.
A further series of small studies to determine the reliability of the CONFESS program were conducted as follows:
- External Latency Reliability. The mean wait for confessional booths with PPs (where there were 2 booths/church) was 7.12 minutes while, in comparison, the average wait for a CONFESS box (1 installation per church) was only 1.72 minutes. This difference in outside wait latency is significant at the p<.01 level.
- Internal Latency Reliability. This study examined the latency form the last sin confessed until the PP or CONFESS program provided the penance or GPA, respectively. Again, the CONFESS latency was significantly shorter than the PP latency. The means were 1.31 minutes (plus an average of 9.3 headshakes) for PPs, and 6.1 seconds for CONFESS.
- Computer Downtime Vs. PP Rest Breaks. In this study the CONFESS program was monitored for computer breakdowns and don’t- understand- not- compute- either (DUNCE) loops. During the 243 CONFESS program runs (a total of 517 minutes) no breakdowns were reported and only one (1) DUNCE loop. The DUNCE loop was in the case of one PU who was previously excommunicated from the Church; however, the CONFESS program has been modified and will now process excommunicated PUs as well as non-excommunicated PUs. PPs, on the other hand, showed an average of 1 rest break for a mean of 12.3 minutes every hour and one-half.Early in the project’s history it was suggested that terminals could easily be installed in drive-up booths similar to bank ATM machines, and that the facility could be titled TOOT ‘N TELL. For some reason, the idea was shelved and has not yet been given serious consideration.
- Consistency Of PP Penance Vs. GPA. In this study, the 243 confession tapes were re-heard by the same 14 PPs. Each PP re-heard the same penitents, albeit on tape and without hearing the end of the tape which contained the penance he gave. In 241 cases, the PPs did *NOT* give the same penance, and in fact, in 191 cases, the penance severity changed at least one degree (e.g., from a severity rating of 7 to a severity rating of 8). Although no speculation for causality is made here, it is important to compare the CONFESS consistency. In all 243 cases, the GPA was identical.
The results of these four studies are sufficient to provide confidence in CONFESS program reliability.
Procedures & Output:
Since CONFESS is a natural-language program, the procedures for CONFESS are extremely simple:
- Enter the CONFESS box (5), kneel on the cushioned kneeler in front of the console. Type in your personal PU identification code.
- The console will type your name and the time elapsed since your last CONFESS session (CONFESSION). Following the request for present sins, type in all the sins (PS) since your last confession.
- Press the [enter] button and silently repeat the ACT of Contrition. (Given the average latency for GPA (6.1 seconds) this seems to be reduced in most cases to ‘I’m sorry.’
- Remove the personalized CONFESS printout.
SAMPLE PRINTOUT
===========================================================================
CONFESS GPA PRINTOUT JOHN DOE, Age 29
===========================================================================
TIME SINCE LAST CONFESSION = 3 WEEKS RECIDIVIST
PRESENT SINS TYPE GPA PUNISHMENT PROBABILITY
===========================================================================
1) ENVIES BOSS VENIAL 10 OUR FATHERS 1 YR.PURGATORY .98
PRACTICE SMILING
AT BOSS
2) SWEAR AT WIFE VENIAL 10 HAIL MARYS 1.73 YRS PURG. .84
PRACTICE SMILING
AT WIFE
3) COVET NEIGHBOR'S MORTAL 1 ROSARY/DAY/WK ETERNAL DAMNATION .91
WIFE
ONLY THREE SINS THIS TIME, *MR. DOE*! YOU'RE IMPROVING. YOU HAD *14* LAST
CONFESSION. NICE GOING. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN MAKE
OUT A LITTLE BETTER WITH NUMBER *3* IN THE FUTURE.
- Notice that up-to-date history records are necessary to compare previous sin records to present sin input in order to compute an accurate GPA. To insure confidentiality between confessor and penitent, a private code number is given to each penitent, and no master record is kept to identify the PU. This is the NON-RETRIEVABLE aspect of the CONFESS program. Only by preceding the CONFESS session with his private code can the PU receive a GPA. Social Security numbers are suggested as possible PU identification numbers.
- This probability estimate is taken from ROME’S ACTUAL TRANSGRESSION SENTENCES ( RATS), Edited by Pope II. Randomness Press, Inc., Rome, 12 A.D.
- It should be noted that ‘Ex Post Facto’ permission to use the tape recordings was obtained from each confessor and penitent prior to use of the data. Hence, the sample of 243 represents a sub-sample of non- refusals from confessors and penitents. The original sample was 12,409,867.
- It may be of interest to the reader that 4 Our Fathers and 4 Hail Marys received a unanimous severity rating of 1 while 2 Rosaries per day plus mass each day for 2 months was rated unanimously at 10.
- The CONFESS box is patterned after the Skinner experimental box/chamber described in ‘Schedules of Reinforcement’ by C.B. Ferster and B.F. Skinner, Appleton-Century Crofts, Inc., NY, 1957, 14-19. Although the present study does not address itself to the question of recurring sins and reinforcement/punishment contingencies, this question is currently under investigation by the author.
REFERENCESFERSTER, C.B. and SKINNER, B.F. ‘Schedules of Reinforcement.’ Appleton- Century Crofts, Inc., NY, 1957, 14-19.
‘Rome’s Actual Transgressions (RATS)’, Ed. Pope II. Randomness Press, Inc., Rome, 12 A.D.
STAKE, ROBERT. ‘The Seven Cardinal Evaluators.’ A paper presented at the National American Educational Research Association, in Chicago, 1972.
[I'm told that this has appeared in the "Journal of Irreproducible Results"]
You might be hardcore Catholic if…
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You might be hardcore Catholic if…
-you’ve accidentally genuflected at a place other than church ex. the movie theatre, school auditorium -you’re sick of being asked why priests can’t be married -you have a “favorite” religious order -you say the meal prayer no matter where you are -you have a nativity set at your house during christmas, and have also played with it. -you’ve accidently made the sign of the cross when leaving regular buildings -whenever anyone says “JPII” in your head you think “We love you” -you know that Father Stan could take on Eminem anyday -you looove the book Captivating and/or Wild at Heart (Even though they were written by non-Catholics) -you know that advent is the beginning of the new church year. -you have a special place in your heart for Mother Teresa -you’re more than willing to come forth with a valid miracle to help Mother Teresa become a saint -You know at least five people named Mary -You want to name one of your sons John Paul -you have a Mary statue in your front yard. -You can name off all the Joyful, Glorious, Sorrowful, and Luminous mysteries. -you consider your rosary to be your spiritual weapon -You’ve memorized the St. Michael the Archangel prayer and recite it when you feel tempted by sin -one or more of your friends entered the seminary or the convent -you have 20+ cousins. -your mom is currently pregnant -you and your spouse practice NFP -you believe in Purgatory and know it’s important to pray for the souls who are currently in Purgatory -you get excited whenever Matt Maher releases a new album! Yea “Overflow”!! -you think Scott Hahn writes the coolest books. -you live chastity and are saving yourself for your future spouse. -you’re able to sit still for a full hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament -your idea of a great date is mass followed by good conversation at Panera -You refer to John Paul II as John Paul the Great -you never leave home without your scapular. -you are discerning the religious life -you often end disputes with, “Let’s look it up in the Catechism.” (Thanks to Amanda Powers) -you and your friends have shown up at Adoration at 4:00 in the morning (Thanks to Amanda Powers) -when watching star wars and hear “may the force be with you” you respond with “and also with you” (Haha, thanks to Josh Donohue) -your mom always says “4 kids, Catholic” (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -you have participated in sword fights using Palms on Passion Sunday (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -you’ve run into your Parish Nuns at a Cardinal’s game (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -XLT is the big event of the month in which you invite everyone you know (in St. Louis that is) (Thanks to Bridget Atwood, shameless plug) -you and friend friends ever played “Mass” instead of House, or Cops and Bad Guys (Thanks to Jamie Klemmer) -You have your own designated seat at Mass (Thanks to Nikki Reinky) -they know you at every Catholic bookstore in the area, and ask you where you’ve been if you haven’t stopped by in a while. (Thanks to Nikki Reinky) -on the night before the first Sunday of Advent you and your friends have a Liturgical New Year’s Eve party, and count down to the new Liturgical Year!! (Thanks to Kristie Ritter) -you’re named after a saint, not a family member. (Thanks to KC DuFrain) -you know at least three awesome stories about Padre Pio (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -you get excited about going to mass (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -you arrive at Mass half an hour early to get a good seat and talk to Jesus (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -Redemptive Suffering gets you through sports (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -your mom always makes sure to celebrate your feast day (Thanks to Matt Hadro) -altar serving was the cool thing to do (Thanks to Matt Hadro) -You associate the smell of incense with major feast days (Thanks to Kathleen Warrington) -You attend multiple retreats per year (Thanks to Kathleen Warrington) -you point at your friends in line for confession calling them sinners and everyone laughs as you get to the end of line (Haha Thanks to Rick Hoines-Brumback) -Your teachers grade you down when you write papers about moral issues and papers involving God (Thanks to Rebecca Lawson) -you’ve ever referred to yourself and your significant other as “a couple discerning a vocation to marriage” (Thanks to David Asher) -You and your many siblings went trick-or-treating dressed as popes and martyrs (Thanks to Sarah LaVigne) -you feel compelled to make the sign of the cross after reciting ANYTHING… (happens to me after the pledge of allegiance almost every morning!) and then you catch yourself and have to remind yourself that it wasn’t a prayer (Thanks to Lara Van Driel) -If you have a priest come bless your house with holy water before you move in. (Thanks to Larry Perez) -You never eat before church, and brunch afterwards is always the best! (Thanks to Larry Perez) -Your first serious conversation you have with a potential girl/boyfriend involves your conversion story (Thanks to Chris Whooley) -You lie awake at night wondering why the St. Michael Prayer was removed from the end of Mass(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -The word “vocation” to you does not simply mean “job”(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -People tend you look in your direction in class whenever anything involving religion comes up(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -You always have one or more saints on some part of your body.(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You have a Rosary or Saint Christopher pin in your car(Thanks to Liz Conte) -One of your Crucifixes has five years worth of dried out palms stuck behind it.(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You would rather get your picture with the pope then with a huge celebrity(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You have more than one Rosary hanging from your bed. (Thanks Michael Perea) -You have contemplated being in a religous order at least once. (Thanks Michael Perea) -Your one wish is to be able to ride in the Popemobile (Thanks to Kathleen Tarrant) -you have a small family because most of your uncles and aunts are priests and nuns (Thanks to Georgia Gaydos) -you say “God bless you” anytime anyone sneezes, out of habit (Thanks to Francine Wolfe) -You know the greatest way to start a date is with The Mass, because you’ll have the greatest meal, Christ in the Eucharist (Thanks to Nathan Lambert) -You know more about St. Francis of Assisi than “he was some guy who could talk to animals” (Thanks to Nathan Lambert) -you have had multiple meetings with the priest at your own will (Thanks to Maria Rose) -all your pens and post-its say “Discover the Priesthood” -You had competitions with your friends on Ash Wednesday to see who could keep their ashes on the longest (Thanks to Mel McLaughlin) -You still write “Your Kingdom Come!” or “JMJ” at the top of your page/letter/report/test (Thanks to Corinna Lansangan) -You find yourself asking all the cute boys whether or not they’ve ever considered becoming a priest instead of asking them for their number (Thanks to Corrina Lansangan) -You spend your Thursday nights at choir practice hanging out with people at least thirty-five years older than you in preparation for Sunday Mass (Thanks to Corrina Lansangan) -You mentally correct every textbook use of “BCE” and CE” with “Before Christ” and “Anno Domini”. You also mentally capitalize every written use of the word “God’ and “Mass” (Thanks to Kristin Mullarkey) -You know that some Catholics don’t eat meat on Wednesdays or Fridays, even not during Lent. (Thanks to Kristin Mullarkey) -you live in the Vatican. (Thanks to Josh Stevens) -you find that praying the rosary is a good way to pass the time(espesially at work) (Thanks to Calvin Jensen) -you get really excited over a holy day of obligation (Thanks to Ashley Lopez) -if you are tired of people refering to the birth of Jesus the immaculate conception (Thanks to Ashley Lopez) -you’ve ever been told my your mom, “Offer it up”, and then felt very obliged to do so (Thanks to Emily Anne) -when discussing possible names for your future children with friends or your future spouse, you start ruling out names that aren’t virtues, saints, or biblical (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -youve ever thought it would be fun to read the CCC as if it were a novel (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you instinctively grab the person’s hand next to you when it’s time to pray (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you hug strangers at Mass during the sign of peace (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -when you hear someone’s name read off, you think in your head “pray for us” (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you’ve ever ruled out dating someone because they weren’t Catholic (Thanks to Brendon Walsh) -you tell other people your last name, they begin spouting off names of people that you are probably related too. <Oh that’s my dad’s uncle’s cousin. Which probably makes us related…> (Thanks to Kelsey Ott) -You plan what to wear based on the liturgical color of the day (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You hold office hours at the Catholic Center/Catholic Student Center/Newman Center. (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You and your roommates have scheduled “spiritual nights” to discuss whatever issues of faith that are on your mind that week. (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You think getting a S.T.D. is cool… (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) (S.T.D.= Doctorate of Sacred Theology) -you held a pope party (complete with papal flag, and german beer) for the election of the B XVI (it was a tuesday night). (Thanks to Nathan Erikson). -you were disappointed when you couldnt find a catholic version of trivia pursuit (Thanks to Nathan Erikson). -When you tell the someone who your favorite musical artists are they have NO IDEA who you are talking about (Thanks to CA McCauley) -When you hear the word Madonna, you think of the Blessed Virgin, not the song “Like a Virgin.” (Thanks to CA McCauley) -You know that “prostrate” is not a place where men develop cancer (Thanks to CA McCauley) -you convince your roommate that Jesus loves Him/Her no matter what religion they are (Thanks to Stephen Dolenc) -Instead of change, you find a rosary under your couch cushions.(Thanks to Casey Karbowski) -when you’ve said the rosary outside a Planned Parenthood in protest with a Respect Life group (Thanks to Sean McCarthy). -You look at this list and laugh really hard, b/c you know it’s so true -you have at one point had to stop a younger sibling from playing in the holy water font. (Thanks to Devin K.T. McIntyre) |
You might be an Episcopalian if
Posted by: | CommentsYou might be an Episcopalian if
…you recognize your neighbor, or rector, in the local liquor store and go over to greet him/her.
…if you have totally memorized Rite I, Rite II and the first three episodes of *The Vicar of Dibley*.
…if while watching the movie “The Madness of King George” you’re able to recite with the King, when he undergoes “surgery,” the Collect for Purity
…if words like: “vouchsafe”, “oblation”, “supplications”, “succor”, “bewail”, “wherefore”, “dost”, “meet”, and “very” (in its archaic sense) are familiar to you even if you don’t have a clue that they mean.
…if you can pronounce “innumerable benefits procured to us by the same.”
…if hearing people pray in the language of “jesuswejus” makes you want to scream.
…if you can rattle off such tongue twisters like: “..who made there by his one oblation of himself once offered a full and perfect sacrifice, oblation and satisfaction for the sins of the world” and “Wherefore, O, Lord and Heavenly Father, we thy people, do celebrate and make here, with these gifts which we offer unto thee, the memorial thy Son hath commanded us to make…”
without missing a beat.
…if someone says, “Let us pray” and you automatically hit your knees.
…if the word “Sewanee” puts a lump in your throat.
…if you catch yourself genuflecting or bowing as you enter a row of seats in a theater.
…if your choir director suggests discussing something over a beer after choir rehearsal.
…if, when visiting a Catholic Church, you are the only Ah-men amongst a sea of Ay-mens
…if your covered dish for the potluck dinner is escargot in puff shells.
…if you think the most serious breach of propriety one can commit is failure to chill the salad forks.
…if your picnic basket has sterling knives and forks (entree, fish, salad and cake).
…if you ever find yourself saying, “Oh, but we’ve never done it that way before.”
…if you know that a sursum corda is not a surgical procedure.
…if you don’t think Agnus Dei is a woman.
…if you know the difference between a surplice and a cotta…and the appropriate use of each.
…if you know that the nave is not a playing card.
…if you know that the Senior Warden and the Junior Warden are not positions in the local prison.
…if your friend said “I’m truly sorry…” and you replied, “and you humbly repent?”
And finally….
…if you reach a point when you’re not sure about anything theologically but you still feel completely at home at the altar rail and somehow know you’re meeting God there, even though you can’t begin to understand how.