Archive for denomination
You Might be a United Methodist if…
Posted by: | CommentsYou Might be a United Methodist if…
.. you don’t take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed… you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
… The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
… you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh
… you’ve ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
… you sit while singing “Stand up, stand up for Jesus”
… you’ve ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn
… tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
… half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
… the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
… you realize pluralism isn’t a communicable disease
… your pastor has a hyphenated last name
… names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar
… you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
… the only church camp song you know by heart is “Kum ba yah”
… you’ve ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
… you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley’s Chapel in London
… your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
… you’ve never heard a sermon on Hell and don’t feel you’re missing out
… you realize that VBS isn’t a sexually transmitted disease
… your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
… there’s at least one person in every church meeting who says, “But we’ve never done it that way before”
… your congregation’s Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
… you accept the fact that the hymn “O, for a thousand tongues to sing” has almost as many stanzas as tongues
… you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn’t a trick football play involving four lateral passes
… you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
… you understand that an “appointment” has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
… you think “UMW” stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
… you know the difference between a “diagonal” minister and a “Diaconal” minister
… “Good morning” has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
… you say “trespasses” instead of “debts” in the Lord’s Prayer and have no idea why
… your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
… you’d rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee
… you’ve ever sipped Welch’s grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
… you’re asked to donate money to a “special offering” every other Sunday
… you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
… you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
… when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn
You might be an Evangelical American Christian Fundamentalist if:
Posted by: | CommentsI think you might be an Evangelical American Christian Fundamentalist if:
| You believe most of the positions in the Republican party platform (including foreign policy, economic policy, military policy, etc.) are not just reasonable or smart, but also clearly supported by the Bible. | |
| You automatically vote for a Christian political candidate over a non-Christian one, regardless of any other qualifications. | |
| You sometimes wonder if Barack Obama might be the Antichrist, or at least a model for him, since you are amazed at how effectively he was able to delude the masses into thinking he was actually qualified for the position. | |
| You are revolted by the hypocrisy of any Democratic politician who talks about his Christian faith, but you mostly believe and admire any Republican politician who does so, without even investigating whether or not he shows any real evidence of true faith. | |
| You feel a moral obligation to research a candidate’s position on abortion and gay marriage before voting for him, regardless of how far removed the office may be from making any laws, judgments, or other decisions related to abortion or marriage policy. | |
| You believe all civil law is or should be based primarily on the Ten Commandments. | |
| You believe at least 52 of the 55 signers of the Declaration of Independence were deeply committed Christians, and that the American Revolution was primarily an act of obedience to the will of God against the forces of evil. (And if you live in the South, you might believe the same about the Confederacy.) | |
| You believe the Pledge of Allegiance is proof of our nation’s Christian roots, and therefore ought to be reverenced and routinely recited by all Christians. | |
| You believe the U.S. Constitution is second only to the Bible in its timeless justice and wisdom. | |
| You believe if Jesus were on earth today, He would probably be a member of the NRA, or would at least be ready and willing to voice His strong support for their cause. | |
| You do not see any debatable, gray area at all in the concept of separation between church and state. You simply consider it an invalid concept to begin with, since you believe it to be based on an invalid reading of the founding fathers. | |
| You believe Bible studies and sermons are perfectly appropriate places to voice your opinions (er . . . I mean God’s opinions) on political candidates and all forms of political issues. | |
| You believe the vast majority of Muslims here in the U.S. are secretly plotting to overthrow our country’s way of life or possibly even its government. | |
| You support the teaching of 6-day Biblical creationism as a scientific alternative to evolution in public schools, though any other religion’s version of creation would clearly be unscientific and therefore inappropriate, of course. | |
| You believe public school classes and football games should always begin with Christian prayer. But if they were ever to begin with any non-Christian prayer, you would consider that discrimination against Christians and decent Americans. | |
| You believe the government and especially the media treat all other religions far more favorably than they treat Christianity. And naturally, you’re not just going to lie down and take that! | |
| You believe Christian churches and organizations ought to be honored by the government and exempted from all forms of taxation, since they are doing the work of God. But if the government honors or grants tax-exempt status to a mosque or Hindu temple, for example, that is a clear case of favoritism and disloyalty to the original intent of the Constitution. | |
| You are horrified at how openly Muslims, JWs, and Mormons are allowed to advertise and proselytize and infiltrate our communities, yet you decry the fact that some neighborhoods do not allow door-to-door evangelism or public street-preaching, and you might even believe in defying their ordinances against such things, or at least in finding every possible legal loophole to get around them. | |
| You believe that before a person can be saved, generally he needs to be convinced of the evils of evolution and of the truth of the absolute inerrancy of Scripture. People like C. S. Lewis who held different views on these things were very rare exceptions whom you prefer not to think about. | |
| You consider an extra-good episode of your favorite talk radio program to almost count as your daily devotions. | |
| You feel morally obligated to stand with the Israeli government in every action they take against any other people or nation, since God clearly says He will bless those who bless them and curse those who curse them. | |
| You not only question the severity or cause of global warming, you consider it an anti-Christian hoax invented primarily to distract us from the real danger of secularism that is plaguing our country. | |
| You believe that if the phrase “In God we trust” is ever taken off our currency, that will be a sure sign that the apocalypse is near. | |
| And finally . . . You just might be an Evangelical American Christian Fundamentalist if you found yourself bristling at a good number of these observations. Be honest now. |
You Might Be an Evangelical
Posted by: | Comments1. If you are asked about the history of the church and you give the history of your local building campaign, you might be an Evangelical.
2. Believe that hell is going to be populated by Catholics (except for Mel Gibson), the Clintons, Mormons (with a special dispensation for Glen Beck), the staff of New York Times (all of them), Rosie Odonnell, all of the people from the East coast and West coast (with a special hot spot for Hollywood), Brian McLaren, and all Liberals, you might be an Evangelical.
3. If you ask someone how their spiritual life is going and you really mean “Have you been doing your morning daily devotionals,” you might be an Evangelical.
4. If your favorite vacation spot is Branson MO, you might be an Evangelical.
5. If you think Kurt Cameron should get the academy award for best actor in Fire Proof, you might be an Evangelical.
6. If you think abstinence education is the most important need for your children, you might be an Evangelical.
7. If you see someone begging for money and you think it is due to their sinful laziness, you might be an Evangelical.
8. If you have ever handed out Left Behind as an evangelistic tract, you might be an Evangelical.
9. If you know what a tract is, you might be an Evangelical.
10. If you choose a church based upon the selection of donuts and coffee (and price), you might be an Evangelical.
11. If you evangelize by saying, “If you were standing before God and he asked you ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?’ what would you say?” you might be an Evangelical.
12. If your church’s weekly events consists of Men’s Lunch Bible Study on Wed, Ladies Beth Moore Study Teus afternoon, Men’s Prayer Breakfast at Chick-fil-a on Monday, Truth Project Friday’s, Potluck Dinner Every other Sunday, Men’s Accountability Group Thursday, The Passion of the Christ Watch Party Every Saturday Evening, and Men’s Every Man’s Battle Study Group Everyday (Morning and Evening), you might be an Evangelical.
13. If you define missions by your yearly trip to Mexico to start a church and leave within three days, you might be an Evangelical.
14. If you think that the John Ryland’s papyri is the earliest fragment of a church bulletin from Pastor John Ryland’s church, you might be an evangelical.
15. If you think homoousios is the emphatic bill for same-sex marriage, you might be an Evangelical.
16. If your support of the church is determined by parking availability, you might be an Evangelical.
17. If your three cardinal sins are fornication, homosexuality, and voting Democrat, you might be an Evangelical.
18. If you have submitted to your wife and feel guilty about it, you might be an Evangelical.
19. If public witness mean a fish on the back of your car and wearing an abstenance ring, you might be an Evangelical.
20. If you limit yourself to one glass of wine or one beer a week and still hide it, you might be an Evangelical.
21. If you don’t really have any idea what “Evangelical” means, you might be an Evangelical.
YOU MIGHT BE A MORMON IF….
Posted by: | CommentsYOU MIGHT BE A MORMON IF….
You have ever used the phrase “With every fiber of my being.”
You’ve ever used the phrase “bless those who aren’t here this time that they can be here next time.”
You’ve ever used the above phrase while offering a prayer at a state prison, youth detention facility or other place of confinement.
You think “ignorant” means rude.
You think the word ignorant is pronounced “ignernt”
You think BYU’s holiday bowl victory over SMU in 1980 is proof that the church is true.
You still talk about the holiday bowl victory of 1980.
You still consider Steve Young a Utah native even though he was born and raised in Connecticut.
For some reason you couldn’t raise your children in Utah, then Connecticut would be your second choice.
You’ve ever used the words: fetch, flip, scrud, or oh-my-heck.
You ever apologized for using such language.
You’ve ever used your temple recommend as a check protection card.
You hide your recommend in the back of your wallet when you shop on Sunday.
You shop on Sunday and then you postdate the check.
You’ve ever mixed Jell-O with any kind of meat.
You like Jell-O mixed with any kind of meat.
You think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party.
You think carrots are a necessity to put in green Jell-O.
Your kids think Jell-O is a major food group.
You have your order in for volume 300 of “The Work and The Glory.”
You use the dust jacket from “The Work and The Glory” so you can read romance novels in public.
You’ve ever quoted “The Work and The Glory” in a talk or a lesson.
You feel that “The Work and The Glory” would be better if it took place in Connecticut and the hero’s name was Steve.
You’re planning to read this list during Family Home Evening.
While giving a presentation in a public place such as a board meeting, you have ever inadvertently ended with, “in the name of…”
You’ve ever ended your presentation with those words deliberately.
All your children are named after Old Testament Prophets. Even your daughter Zerubbabel.
You ran out of Old Testament names before you ran out of children.
You refer to the days of ’47 parade royalty as “The queen and her two counselors.”
At least one member of your family has a pseudo-French name such as LaVell or LaDawn.
