Godless Linguistics

To all Talk.Origins Readers,

Clearly, we can see the very structure of our civilization crumbling around our ears. Sexual perversion runs rampant as our once-proud moral culture slides ever closer to the gaping maw of oblivion. One need only turn on the TV to witness ample evidence of the degradation of our current Godless society, slipping closer to destruction with the wanton disregard for proper diction, and the torrid abomination of corrupted grammar!

Why, just listen to the “music” of the young people these days. Such trash! The words slur together (when they can be understood at all) into a putrid mush of incomplete sentences and split infinitives. It’s awful. And it has been PROVEN to induce young people to commit acts of violence, theft, and unwed pregnancy. And surely, it is no mere coincidence that this dire threat to the fabric of our very civilization coincides exactly with the indoctrination of our young people with Godless LINGUISTICS in the public schools.

Our public schools have turned away from the source of Truth, to teach our children that our sacred English language has descended from other languages. The poor impressionable youngsters are taught AS A FACT that English words have certain “root words”, even though this is only a theory. The FACT is, God Almighty created all languages complete when he confused mankind’s original language as punishment for our transgression at the tower of Babel. But the athiest/lingusts don’t want this mentioned in public settings, because it goes against their FAITH, and forces them to face their own accountability. So they have BANNED the teaching of Babelism, because they are afraid that it might expose the weakness of their own linguistic ideas. Is this fair? I don’t think so. It goes against all that America stands for.

Therefore, join me in the campaign to have a balanced and fair treatment in public education. All english teachers should be required to include Babelism as a valid alternate theory to Linguisticism, whenever the origins of the English language is discussed.

Oh, of course we can expect opposition from the entrenched vested interests. They will point to certain similarities (i.e. “mother”, “madre” “mater”) as evidence of the relatedness of various languages. But this is a complete misinterpretation of the evidence. Clearly it is more economical for God to use similar phonic structures to designate similar meanings. Therefore, the existence of such similarities PROOVES that the various languages must have had the same author.

Second, a language is a complex thing. The odds that some first speaker could randomly string together a complex series of sounds, and then multiply this by the odds that someone else would UNDERSTAND him, and the probablity could be calculated to be less than 1 in 10^500. That’s a one with five hundred zero’s. A statistical impossibility. Obviously, the first language must have a designer: God.

Third, there is NO evidence that transitional languages ever existed. What use is half a language? A noun without verbs conveys no meaning! Sure, there is middle and old- English. But these are ENGLISH! A complete nontransitional language. We do not deny that micro-lingustics can happen, but this process can create only DIALECTS. There is NO EVIDENCE that a series of random micro-lingustic events can create a WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE. I’ll beleive in Macro-linguistics when I see a video tape of a child growing up in an Eskimo village suddenly become fluent in Armenian! It takes A LOT MORE FAITH to beleive in athieistic linguisticism than the truth of Babelism.

So join me in the crusade: Babelism must be included in the public school English curriculum.

There are only two theories which explain the origin of our language: Babelism and Linguisticism. Shouldn’t they BOTH be given a fair hearing?

Thank you.

[Originally posted to "Talk Origins" December 24, 1996 by Gail Davis]

The Lord’s Lottery

A Sure Fire Stewardship Program Designed And Developed By Dale Vitalis

Theological Basis: ‘As a man winneth so will he giveth.’ Hez 6:15

Purpose: The ‘ BLT‘ ( bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings.

Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving:

1. When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar.
2. One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar.
3. The ‘winner’ (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive DOUBLE THEIR MONEY BACK!!

Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits blessings, if you serve a ‘spiritual’ congregation) from this ‘Lord’s Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program’

1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes.
2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow.
3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members).
4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn.
5. You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement, honor, and prestige that comes with the job.
6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the ‘bingo syndrome.’
7. Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the ‘main event.’

Theological Engineering Exam 

You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon.

The speed of light is c.
Show all work.
For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
No praying during the exam.

1. (25 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount. Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. In Joe’s rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?

2. (25 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy plane. Let Sue’s soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)

3. (25 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

4. (25 pts.) Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything. What is Stan’s sin level now?

5. Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

From Ecunet