Archive for denomination
You might be a Baptist if …
Posted by: | CommentsYou might be a Baptist if …
1. When you go to Las Vegas, Times Square, or New Orleans’ French Quarter, it’s to minister to people in the name of Jesus.
2. When you hear about a church fight, you say, “So, where’s the news?”
3. When you hear of a foreigner thrilled at getting his first Bible, you feel guilty. You own 33 of them.
4. When someone tells you that old joke about the sinking ship and the captain asking someone to do something religious and so the Baptist took up an offering, you say, “So, what’s the joke?”
5. You know at least a dozen funny things that happened during baptismal services.
6. You complain about the pastor’s long sermons, but you would feel cheated by one under 20 minutes.
7. You have at times envied the Episcopalians because their adults don’t have to go to Sunday School.
8. You have sometimes felt superior to the Episcopalians because you know more of your Bible than they do.
9. You think a church building ought to look like a church building.
10. You’d like a little more dignity in your preacher but you suspect he’s getting a little uppity when he wears a robe for weddings.
11. You laugh at jokes about “where you have two Baptists, you have three opinions,” but it touches a nerve and hurts a little.
12. You side with those who believe the Bible just exactly the way it’s written, but you’d like to see them act more like Jesus Christ in the process.
13. You don’t like fancy, written-out public prayers, but somebody ought to help your preacher and the deacons put a little more life and freshness and thought into theirs!
14. You believe every Christian ought to be a witness and even a soul-winner, and feel guilty because you aren’t.
15. You’d do anything to help build church attendance, except actually knock on the door of a newcomer and invite them to Sunday School.
16. When you do knock on their door and invite them, it floods your heart with joy. So much so, in fact, that it lasts for months.
17. You do not believe in little white lies, unless it’s at the church door and you’re telling the pastor what you thought of today’s sermon.
18. You wish they wouldn’t make all those announcements in the church service, but the times when they don’t, you get angry because you didn’t know about an important meeting.
19. You thnk people ought to be tolerant of other denominations and other religions, but how in the world anyone with a lick of sense could be a (fill in the blank here) is beyond you!
20. You treasure the independence of each church, but it does appear the denominational big-shots could straighten out those two churches in our town that have gone (charismatic, independent, liberal, whatever).
21. You hold the hymnal nearly up to the Bible in importance, but it sure is nice when the ministers put the words to the hymns on big screens so everyone can hold their heads up and sing with gusto.
22. You are perfectly willing to adjust your worship style to reach young people today, but you are offended when the preacher decides to deliver the sermon wearing denims and sneakers.
23. You like an occasional ‘amen’ or applause in a worship service, but it must be in moderation. Church should be neither a pep rally nor a funeral.
24. You do not feel like you’ve been to church if they don’t talk about Jesus, read the Scripture, or offer an invitation at the end.
25. You wish some people wouldn’t make you feel guilty about standing around and talking with other members, because fellowship is one of the main reasons you come to church.
A confession here: I grew up Free Will Baptist, the church of my parents; I went to the Methodist church as a child and graduated from a Methodist college; I joined a Southern Baptist church while in college, the denomination in which I’ve served ever since.
All of the above is offered in fun, with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Much of it is the type of kidding we Baptists do with one another. I am well aware that much of it would apply in other denominations. You will notice that I avoided all the old lines about bringing casseroles to church. Those are funny, but I tried to find some fresh lines. If at any point, a light of recognition went on in your mind and you said, “Yes! I’m that way,” then I’m amply rewarded.
Feel free to go to the end of this article on our website www.joemckeever.com and leave your comments and suggestions, as well as “fun” ways to tell if “you are a Baptist” or whatever group you are in.
You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If …
Posted by: | Comments- You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but biblically mandated
- Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain’t
- You have a gun rack in your sukkah
- your idea of Shalosh Seidos is a six pack of beer and some Redman
- Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night.
- You think KKK is a kosher symbol
- You speak more English than your shul president
- You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette
- The only plant in your home is your lulav
- The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz
- Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah
- Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : “Shabbot Shalom Y’all”
- Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart
- Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
- Your local scribe shoots his own parchment
- You’ve ever used the theme to “Rawhide” as a tune for the Kedusha
- You’ve ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman’s name
- Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke
- You give Ma’aser from your spittoon
- A tish just ain’t a tish without a bugzapper
- You’ve ever called the “Psychic Friends Network” to answer a halachic question
- When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
- You know what Barach to make when you see a UFO
- Your Rabbi ever yelled “Yee-Haw” during his sermon
- You think the mechitza is an Italian food
- You think a hora is a high priced call girl
- You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag
- You wear a white hood for Havdallah
- You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision
- If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row
You might be a Lutheran if…
Posted by: | CommentsYou might be a Lutheran if…
…you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
…you didn’t know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
…when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals.
…during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it.
…during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday.
…rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guest book.
…you think Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.
…you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
…a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
…you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot.
…the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes.
…you make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni noodles because they’re not so messy then.
…you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.
…your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality.
…you don’t know what was sooo funny about dat movie “Fargo” then.
…in response to someone jumping up and shouting “Praise the Lord!”, you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.
…you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long.
…peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
…you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
…your dad’s name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran.
…you think butter is a spice.
…the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
…you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
…you know what a “dead spread” is.
…you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
…you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter “j” as the second letter.
…the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
…Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.
…you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
…you give a party and don’t tell anyone where it is.
…you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
You might be hardcore Catholic if…
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You might be hardcore Catholic if…
-you’ve accidentally genuflected at a place other than church ex. the movie theatre, school auditorium -you’re sick of being asked why priests can’t be married -you have a “favorite” religious order -you say the meal prayer no matter where you are -you have a nativity set at your house during christmas, and have also played with it. -you’ve accidently made the sign of the cross when leaving regular buildings -whenever anyone says “JPII” in your head you think “We love you” -you know that Father Stan could take on Eminem anyday -you looove the book Captivating and/or Wild at Heart (Even though they were written by non-Catholics) -you know that advent is the beginning of the new church year. -you have a special place in your heart for Mother Teresa -you’re more than willing to come forth with a valid miracle to help Mother Teresa become a saint -You know at least five people named Mary -You want to name one of your sons John Paul -you have a Mary statue in your front yard. -You can name off all the Joyful, Glorious, Sorrowful, and Luminous mysteries. -you consider your rosary to be your spiritual weapon -You’ve memorized the St. Michael the Archangel prayer and recite it when you feel tempted by sin -one or more of your friends entered the seminary or the convent -you have 20+ cousins. -your mom is currently pregnant -you and your spouse practice NFP -you believe in Purgatory and know it’s important to pray for the souls who are currently in Purgatory -you get excited whenever Matt Maher releases a new album! Yea “Overflow”!! -you think Scott Hahn writes the coolest books. -you live chastity and are saving yourself for your future spouse. -you’re able to sit still for a full hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament -your idea of a great date is mass followed by good conversation at Panera -You refer to John Paul II as John Paul the Great -you never leave home without your scapular. -you are discerning the religious life -you often end disputes with, “Let’s look it up in the Catechism.” (Thanks to Amanda Powers) -you and your friends have shown up at Adoration at 4:00 in the morning (Thanks to Amanda Powers) -when watching star wars and hear “may the force be with you” you respond with “and also with you” (Haha, thanks to Josh Donohue) -your mom always says “4 kids, Catholic” (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -you have participated in sword fights using Palms on Passion Sunday (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -you’ve run into your Parish Nuns at a Cardinal’s game (Thanks to Jim Benedick) -XLT is the big event of the month in which you invite everyone you know (in St. Louis that is) (Thanks to Bridget Atwood, shameless plug) -you and friend friends ever played “Mass” instead of House, or Cops and Bad Guys (Thanks to Jamie Klemmer) -You have your own designated seat at Mass (Thanks to Nikki Reinky) -they know you at every Catholic bookstore in the area, and ask you where you’ve been if you haven’t stopped by in a while. (Thanks to Nikki Reinky) -on the night before the first Sunday of Advent you and your friends have a Liturgical New Year’s Eve party, and count down to the new Liturgical Year!! (Thanks to Kristie Ritter) -you’re named after a saint, not a family member. (Thanks to KC DuFrain) -you know at least three awesome stories about Padre Pio (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -you get excited about going to mass (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -you arrive at Mass half an hour early to get a good seat and talk to Jesus (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -Redemptive Suffering gets you through sports (Thanks to Jimmy Puglis) -your mom always makes sure to celebrate your feast day (Thanks to Matt Hadro) -altar serving was the cool thing to do (Thanks to Matt Hadro) -You associate the smell of incense with major feast days (Thanks to Kathleen Warrington) -You attend multiple retreats per year (Thanks to Kathleen Warrington) -you point at your friends in line for confession calling them sinners and everyone laughs as you get to the end of line (Haha Thanks to Rick Hoines-Brumback) -Your teachers grade you down when you write papers about moral issues and papers involving God (Thanks to Rebecca Lawson) -you’ve ever referred to yourself and your significant other as “a couple discerning a vocation to marriage” (Thanks to David Asher) -You and your many siblings went trick-or-treating dressed as popes and martyrs (Thanks to Sarah LaVigne) -you feel compelled to make the sign of the cross after reciting ANYTHING… (happens to me after the pledge of allegiance almost every morning!) and then you catch yourself and have to remind yourself that it wasn’t a prayer (Thanks to Lara Van Driel) -If you have a priest come bless your house with holy water before you move in. (Thanks to Larry Perez) -You never eat before church, and brunch afterwards is always the best! (Thanks to Larry Perez) -Your first serious conversation you have with a potential girl/boyfriend involves your conversion story (Thanks to Chris Whooley) -You lie awake at night wondering why the St. Michael Prayer was removed from the end of Mass(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -The word “vocation” to you does not simply mean “job”(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -People tend you look in your direction in class whenever anything involving religion comes up(Thanks to Chris Whooley) -You always have one or more saints on some part of your body.(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You have a Rosary or Saint Christopher pin in your car(Thanks to Liz Conte) -One of your Crucifixes has five years worth of dried out palms stuck behind it.(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You would rather get your picture with the pope then with a huge celebrity(Thanks to Liz Conte) -You have more than one Rosary hanging from your bed. (Thanks Michael Perea) -You have contemplated being in a religous order at least once. (Thanks Michael Perea) -Your one wish is to be able to ride in the Popemobile (Thanks to Kathleen Tarrant) -you have a small family because most of your uncles and aunts are priests and nuns (Thanks to Georgia Gaydos) -you say “God bless you” anytime anyone sneezes, out of habit (Thanks to Francine Wolfe) -You know the greatest way to start a date is with The Mass, because you’ll have the greatest meal, Christ in the Eucharist (Thanks to Nathan Lambert) -You know more about St. Francis of Assisi than “he was some guy who could talk to animals” (Thanks to Nathan Lambert) -you have had multiple meetings with the priest at your own will (Thanks to Maria Rose) -all your pens and post-its say “Discover the Priesthood” -You had competitions with your friends on Ash Wednesday to see who could keep their ashes on the longest (Thanks to Mel McLaughlin) -You still write “Your Kingdom Come!” or “JMJ” at the top of your page/letter/report/test (Thanks to Corinna Lansangan) -You find yourself asking all the cute boys whether or not they’ve ever considered becoming a priest instead of asking them for their number (Thanks to Corrina Lansangan) -You spend your Thursday nights at choir practice hanging out with people at least thirty-five years older than you in preparation for Sunday Mass (Thanks to Corrina Lansangan) -You mentally correct every textbook use of “BCE” and CE” with “Before Christ” and “Anno Domini”. You also mentally capitalize every written use of the word “God’ and “Mass” (Thanks to Kristin Mullarkey) -You know that some Catholics don’t eat meat on Wednesdays or Fridays, even not during Lent. (Thanks to Kristin Mullarkey) -you live in the Vatican. (Thanks to Josh Stevens) -you find that praying the rosary is a good way to pass the time(espesially at work) (Thanks to Calvin Jensen) -you get really excited over a holy day of obligation (Thanks to Ashley Lopez) -if you are tired of people refering to the birth of Jesus the immaculate conception (Thanks to Ashley Lopez) -you’ve ever been told my your mom, “Offer it up”, and then felt very obliged to do so (Thanks to Emily Anne) -when discussing possible names for your future children with friends or your future spouse, you start ruling out names that aren’t virtues, saints, or biblical (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -youve ever thought it would be fun to read the CCC as if it were a novel (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you instinctively grab the person’s hand next to you when it’s time to pray (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you hug strangers at Mass during the sign of peace (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -when you hear someone’s name read off, you think in your head “pray for us” (Thanks to Daniel Buttig) -you’ve ever ruled out dating someone because they weren’t Catholic (Thanks to Brendon Walsh) -you tell other people your last name, they begin spouting off names of people that you are probably related too. <Oh that’s my dad’s uncle’s cousin. Which probably makes us related…> (Thanks to Kelsey Ott) -You plan what to wear based on the liturgical color of the day (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You hold office hours at the Catholic Center/Catholic Student Center/Newman Center. (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You and your roommates have scheduled “spiritual nights” to discuss whatever issues of faith that are on your mind that week. (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) -You think getting a S.T.D. is cool… (Thanks to Brandon Kraft) (S.T.D.= Doctorate of Sacred Theology) -you held a pope party (complete with papal flag, and german beer) for the election of the B XVI (it was a tuesday night). (Thanks to Nathan Erikson). -you were disappointed when you couldnt find a catholic version of trivia pursuit (Thanks to Nathan Erikson). -When you tell the someone who your favorite musical artists are they have NO IDEA who you are talking about (Thanks to CA McCauley) -When you hear the word Madonna, you think of the Blessed Virgin, not the song “Like a Virgin.” (Thanks to CA McCauley) -You know that “prostrate” is not a place where men develop cancer (Thanks to CA McCauley) -you convince your roommate that Jesus loves Him/Her no matter what religion they are (Thanks to Stephen Dolenc) -Instead of change, you find a rosary under your couch cushions.(Thanks to Casey Karbowski) -when you’ve said the rosary outside a Planned Parenthood in protest with a Respect Life group (Thanks to Sean McCarthy). -You look at this list and laugh really hard, b/c you know it’s so true -you have at one point had to stop a younger sibling from playing in the holy water font. (Thanks to Devin K.T. McIntyre) |