Archive for Religious Humor
Ode to Forgetfulness
Posted by: | Comments
Catholic Dictionary
Posted by: | CommentsCatholic Dictionary
Act of Contrition
A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don’t cramp up in the
confessional.
Act of God
1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn’t cover.
2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday.
Act of Faith
An action that shows a person’s belief that an event will occur, such as
when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date.
Acts of the Apostles
1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check
arrived for the Last Supper.
2. Christ’s touring company (they knocked ‘em dead in Samaria,
Thessalonica, Damascus, etc.)
Advent
A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and
cash registers ringing.
Advent Wreath
A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.
Agnostic
1. An atheist who is hedging his bets.
2. Someone who isn’t sure there is a God, but who is sure he
doesn’t want to go to Mass every Sunday.
All Saints Day (November 1st)
A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked Halloween
candy to your little brother.
All Soul’ Day (November 2nd)
The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists.
Alpha and Omega
The fraternity that Christ belonged to.
Amen
The only part of a prayer everyone knows.
Annulment
1. Divorce, Catholic style.
2. A decree that a marriage never existed; like the dream sequence
on “Dallas”.
Apocalypse
An important event that you probably can’t find a Hallmark card for.
Apostasy
The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another, such as
switching from Leno to Letterman.
Arc of the Covenant
The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain.
Armageddon
The last day you can redeem your green stamps.
Ascension of Christ
Jesus’ rising into heaven forty days after Easter (an indication of how
tough it is to get a table up there).
Asceticism
Living a pure, virtuous life…and then dying of boredom.
Beatification
1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from
having a parochial school named after him.
2. The step in the canonization process when a persons’ head is
fitted for a halo.
Beatitudes
1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque.
2. Second rate attitudes.
Benediction
The start of the race to the parking lot.
Bethlehem
Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census.
Bingo
1. How Catholics tithe.
2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old
ladies off the street.
Bishop
Old man in the see.
Blessed Virgin
The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with.
Blessing
A prayer preceding an event that grants God’s grace and releases Him from
any liability.
Blind Faith
A redundant expression.
Body of Christ
Amen…oops, sorry. Habit I guess.
Bulletin
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
Burning bush
What the Israelites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he
spoke with God.
Jeff Dunham – Achmed the Dead Terrorist
Posted by: | CommentsThe Apostle Paul
Posted by: | CommentsA perfect minister is hard to find…One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He’d watched the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after applicant for some fault, alleged or otherwise. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up and read a letter purporting to be from another applicant. “Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also have had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.
“I’m over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
“My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I baptized.
“However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you.”
The board member looked over at the committee. “Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?”
The good church folk were aghast. Call an unhealthy, trouble-making, absentminded, ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who has such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he answered, “It’s signed, ‘the Apostle Paul.’ “